Last Friday my wife and I took our starting to look like a ball baby girl – Leiyla to the Avilon Zoo in Tiendesitas. It was the smaller version of the zoo actually. I heard that the bigger version (7.5 hectares) is located in damn near the freaking North Pole or something so we didn’t even bothered. We had a great time and I have some badly taken photos for you guys to tell the whole story. Enjoy!

When we got there around 10:30 am, I told my wife that I will be extremely upset and dissapointed if I won’t see any bears inside. I don’t know but for some reason – I am obsessed with bears. Grizzly bears. Polar bears. Panda bears. Bears with chainsaws. Name it.

So when we got to the entrance, I was like: ‘Man, this ain’t no zoo. This is a pet shop! I’m outta here!’. My wife kicked me in the jewels and told me to get myself together and act like my age. I later learned that the entrance was indeed a petshop and the real wild animals are inside the cavelike entrance.

I was actually fascinated with the different creatures they’re selling as pets. They have hedgehogs, superworms, scorpions, red footed tortoises, baby albino pythons and flying rats. Kung ano man yun. Animals you will never have as pets in your lifetime. Because they’re way cooler than you.

So once inside. The first thing you’ll see would be this huge-ass White Tiger. Kimba ata ang pangalan niya. Corni. Just made that up. But man that cat was huge. I think he can swallow me and three of my barako friends all at once without exerting effort. By the way, they’re just lying on the ground. Bumming around. They just sit there. Walk around. Smell the fresh air. Eat. Sleep. Parang Congressman lang. What a life man.

The first level of the ‘Ark’ as they call it, consists of animals that can basically shred your face apart. Lions. Tigers. Bears (WOOHOO!!). Chimps and Gators. They also have a couple of amphibians but we’ll let them be. Because they’re boring.  Moving along the second floor is where the fun drops from 100 mph to 0. From watching tigers eat raw meat to watching Guinea Pigs and Goats eat carrots and leaves.

My little girl enjoyed the part where she gets inside the Guinea Pig pen and gets a golden opportunity to feed them. Which was pretty much the highlight of her day.

After a couple more rounds, we decided to call it a day. Not after we had a couple of snaps with ‘Colin’ the Bear. I mean, the Oranggutan.

that's Ape. the one wearing orange.

Ibinalita na kagabi na hindi susuportahan ni Danding Cojuangco ang kanyang pamangkin na si Gibo Teodoro. Big deal ‘to dahil lahat ng sinusuportahan ni Danding at ng kanyang salapi -nanalo. Si Ferdinand Marcos, si Erap, si Magellan at di mabilang na dami ng mga Senador. Si Danding ang kabaligtaran ni GMA. Pag sinuportahan ka ni GMA, consider it the ‘Kiss of Death’.

That is why I will definitely vote for Gilbert Teodoro.

He stood his ground when everyone was hurling feces on him being the standard bearer of the administration.

He answered tough-ass questions about his loyalty to GMA with poise and solitude.

He is almost always the best in Presidential forums.

He answers questions directly and in such a way that even a 14 yr old boy can understand. Walang paligoy-ligoy.

He answers questions in tagalog close to 80% of the time.

He is a freaking pilot. If ever the movie 2012 Doomsday becomes a reality, I know one person who can fly a goddamn plane.

He has a plan and a good one.

He doesn’t rely heavily on commercials and ads to cascade his plans for the country. 

Lets put it this way…I’d rather vote for someone who is a Harvard alumni and an overall smartass than someone who is only smart in generating businesses and developing lands.

Best of all – when he was not endorsed by his own uncle Danding Cojuangco – he didn’t even gave a damn. He doesn’t fucking care. Para na rin niya sinabing: ‘Eh ano ngayon?’. Yan ang tinatawag na ‘Bayan muna bago sarili’.

He knows what he’s doing and he knows where he is taking this. So hats off to you Gibo. Too bad my (1) vote will not win you the Presidential seat. But at least you tried and you truly made a mark. Just don’t do it again.

For your consideration (naaadik na kong gamitin ang linyang yan…nagbayad ako sa bus sinabi ko rin yan sa kunduktor -’boss, for your consideration – bayad ko, Mantrade lang’) here are some of the world’s strangest police sketches. Check them out. Baka kamag-anak niyo na pala yung isa dyan.

unang nahuli. masyadong exposed yung mukha.

Holy Moses! What the hell is that?!

Literal na mukang pwet.

Atoy Co?!

this guy can probably kill someone just by staring

hahahaHAhahAHAhahaha!!

Believe it or not. Totoong sketches ng iba’t ibang police department sa US ang mga yan. Wala silang artistic touch. Di tulad ng mga pinoy sketch artists pati pwesto ng nunal ine-examine.

Siguro naman kilala mo ang brand na ALASKA? Yeah, yung gatas. Ewan ko pero hanggang ngayon, wala pa rin makapag-verify sakin kung ano ba talaga ang pangalan ng cover boy ng Alaska Milk. Kahit sa mismong website nila, hindi nila pinangalanan.

Kaya tayo na lang.

Ano sa tingin niyo ang bagay na pangalan ng Alaska Milk boy?

Mann, not again! Another goddamn monster ripping the city apart. Can I just get a break or what? San ba nanggaling tong mga halimaw na to? Bakit linggo linggo nagsusulputan at bakit pa-isa isa? Show must go on. Okay. Time to change and turn myself into a 300-foot spandex-wearing-alien-buster!

Woohoo!! Am I awesome or what!?…Wait a second. What the hell is this little red alarm on my chest? Ok. Whatever. Ang tunay na lalake, walang pakealam. Tama na ang satsat! Bakbakan na! Tanginang halimaw yan. Ampanget! Sino bang creative director ng mga halimaw dito sa show? Parang mga panis na ulam, bulok na prutas at oversized na kulangot. Gaya nitong kalaban ko ngayon…mukang retarded na adobo. Bwahaha! What a waste of time.

'Adobo slam'

Etong sayo! Spacium Ray! Nyahahaha! Paniiiiis! Oooops. Tinamaan yung isang building. Yikes! Nagliyab at tila isa siyang paaralan! Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Pero kailangan kong pabagsakin tong halimaw na itago na lang natin sa pangalang “William“.

Aaaarrgghh! Tinamaan ako at napahiga ako sa isa pang building! Mas marami pa ata akong napatay kesa natulungan! Bakit kasi kelangan ko maging ganito kalaki?! Eh kung ginawa na lang nila akong…shit…bakit umiilaw tong nasa dibdib ko?? LOBATT na ba ko?! Waaaah! Bumalik ako sa normal kong laki na 5′3. Paano ko tatalunin tong halimaw na sinlaki ng Mall of Asia?! SAYONATSIIII! (*sayo na tsinelas ko! kanya kanyang takbo na!)

Sorry guys, I’m bored.

Mga bagay na nagpapainit ng ulo ko:

1. Political ads ni Loren Legarda at Juan Ponce Enrile.
2. Mga baklang ang iingay sa loob ng FX.
3. Security guards sa mga high rise buildings sa Makati
4. Multo
5. Pag napupunta sa ilalim ng kama yung tsinelas ko
6. Pag ayaw ibigay sakin ng asawa ko yung taba ng porkchop na kinakain niya
7. Kili-kili hair ng waitress sa office pantry
8. Bong Revilla
9. Mga katulong na cellebabad
10. Mga kupal na collections agent ng BDO
11. Pag hindi sexy ang suot na pambahay ni misis
12. Pag meron si misis
13. Government employees
14. Mga kumag na hindi gumagamit ng signal pag lumilipat ng lane
15. Mga magbabarkadang LALAKI na naka-pekpek shorts

Mga nagpapasaya sakin:

1. Leiyla
2. pag naka razorback sando at short-shorts ang asawa ko
3. basketball
4. manggang hilaw at bagoong
5. french toast
6. Fried chicken
7. blog hopping
8. pag naka-long sleeves/tucked in ako (feeling mayaman)
9. the word ‘tubol’ (lol)
10. Kings of Leon
11. Pag maganda pagkakatabas sakin ng barbero ko
12. Pag may sale sa Topman
13. Mary Walters horror classics
14. Barack Obama speeches
15. Pag bagong ligo si misis (iiiiiiits showtime!)

How is it that 7 x 0 = 0?

Shouldn’t it be 7 x 0 = 7?

Lets say you have SEVEN candies and you tried to multiply it by ZERO (which is basically nothing, nada, thin air)…diba dapat may SEVEN candies ka pa rin. Hindi naman pwedeng naglaho na lang yung SEVEN candies mo.

And don’t give me that: ‘because zero is like a blackhole’. Because there is no such thing as blackholes in numbers.

Math is weird. That’s why I hate it.